I just finished watching the movie, The Road and it helped me learn something about myself:
I am horrible at watching suspense movies and I just shouldn’t do it.
Granted I can be pretty horrible at watching any movies. Yes I am one of those horrible people who talk throughout the entire movie. I just can’t help myself, I mean I sit there for two hours watching other people talk non-stop on a screen, why can’t I talk too? I am aware of my faulty logic but it makes sense in my mind. Plus I feel the need to share my thoughts about every single thing the characters say to everyone else watching the movie. People who watch movies with me understand, I am so very sorry.
Anyways, I digress, suspense movies oh yes where do I begin. First of my points is this movie, The Road. Dear lord people this movie has some sick things in it. I may actually have nightmares tonight. That’s not my point though, in movies like this you just know, KNOW, something horrible can and will happen at some point. I feel as the viewer it is my duty to help these characters escape that evil fate, even if they can’t hear me. It helps me sleep better at night knowing at least that I tried to save them.
I do two main things while watching suspenseful movies.
- I yell at the television. Oh boy do I get riled up. I do one of two things, on rare occasions both; I either sit bolt up right and make frantic gestures usually in broad circles or pointing, and the other options is I shrink deep into the creases of the couch and try to disappear while slowly curling into a fetal position. You may be thinking at this point, how can you do that at the same time, yes ladies ad gentlemen I am just that good because I have enough skill to do them at the same time. Normally I just sit there yelling at the characters telling them how dumb they are for doing something, try to warn them of upcoming danger, or just make inarticulate sounds that only a dying baby squirrel can make. Usually my sounds slowly degrade into incoherent gibberish or whining depending on how scary or suspenseful the movie is.
- The other thing I do is actually worse than the first, I yell at the other people watching the movie. I get so into it and frustrated that I will yell at the other people to help stop the characters on the screen. They never do. I don’t know if I am alone in my efforts but it usually seems so. I either just gesture frantically yelling, DO SOMETHING or something like WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT, MAKE THEM STOP! I always feel bad for the people who I watch movies with because not only do I yell at them but I usually grab onto the them, maybe give them a shake or two. But it is all for the characters. I can’t help it that I am just one of those people who gets why too involved in movies. I basically have conversations with the television. I have no idea why, I just do.
The sad part is, is that this usually just leaves me frustrated and always ends in the same way. I get all worked up and then the movie ends and I sit up and say, wait, but nothing actually happened! See that is the thing about suspense movies is that they really are a lot of nothing. While you are watching the movie you are totally sucked in and involved thinking this is the best most intense movie ever. But as soon as it is over you snap out of your suspense induced trance and realize you just wasted two hours of your life watching a string of loosely connected, horrifying, disturbing, and suspenseful events that in the end led up to a climax of absolutely nothing.
This is why I do not watch suspense movies.